Bicker
by obsidianLight16
Summary: Because if there was anything Akatsuki did, it was bicker. Pein muses at his organization and comes to a revelation.


**A/N: I had a dentist appointment today and was inspired. Although how this came about...er...don't ask. Be on the lookout for a dentist fanfic with the Akatsuki though! It'll come eventually...**

**Warning: Language, OOC, violence...**

**Disclaimer: I own none of the characters. I just hope Masashi Kishimoto-sama brings back the Akatsuki :P**

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><p>Everywhere Pein turned, he heard arguments all throughout the base. Whether it was over something trivial or personal disputes- they happened everyday, every second of the day. It was absolutely ridiculous and cost them more money than they could afford!<p>

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><p>Sasori vs. Deidara.<p>

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><p>"My art is <em>way <em>better than yours hmm!"

"Hmph. Keep thinking that."

"I will un. Because it's true."

"Whatever. I'm sick of drilling the true meaning of art into your brain which _obviously _lacks the necessary space to understand what I'm saying."

"What?"

"See?"

"Shut up un! You make me so angry!"

"Oh yeah? Well you just piss me off! Now get the hell out of my room!"

"No! I don't think I will!"

"Oh yes you will!"

"Hands off Sasori-no-danna!"

"Get. Out. _Now_."

"Fine," Deidara sneered. "Katsu!"

"YOU STUPID BRAT!" Sasori roared, jumping out of his seat to tackle the blonde who had just blown up the puppet torso he was placing several torpedoes inside of.

They both seemed to ignore the fact that the room was now on fire.

Needless to say, when Kisame used a typhoon jutsu to put out the flames, Kakuzu was an unhappy poor man and Sasori was stuck sleeping on the couch for a month.

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><p>Kisame vs. Hidan.<p>

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><p>"Sameheda is the best weapon there is."<p>

"Are you fuckin' stupid? My scythe is so much better!"

"All you do is swing it around!"

"Well so do you asswipe!"

"Whatever. You just stab people and yourself. Sameheda is more refined than that. He shreds."

"What- _cheese_? I remember when Iused to walk around with a personal paper shredder."

"That's not what it does! As if your weapon is any better!"

"What the hell do you mean?"

Kisame smirked, turning his head away and holding out a hand. "Yours is like a giant comb! What- you slick your hair back and make sure the part in your hair is perfectly even before you go killing your opponents?"

Hidan's jaw dropped. "You- you fucking heathen!" he shouted, pulling his scythe off from his back.

Kisame drew Sameheda as well. "You wanna go?"

"Bring it bitch!"

And after that, they had to pay for new insulation, a paint job, and brand new carpets to be put in. Kakuzu stuffed Hidan's head in the blender and broke Kisame's legs before healing them again. Who better to take his anger out on than his patients?

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><p>Itachi vs. Deidara<p>

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><p>"Excuse me- trying to get inside the freezer un."<p>

"Ask politely and maybe I'll step aside."

"No way! Now move!"

"…You didn't have to push me."

"It wasn't that easy. Your weight is equivalent to a brick wall hmm…"

"At least my hair doesn't look like someone stuck an electrical socket to it."

"What did you just say un!"

"Nothing."

"…"

"…"

"Why the hell are you staring at me?"

"Because you're always so prissy towards me. Why is that?"

Deidara dumped his cup full of ice cubes down the back of Itachi's shirt in reply. "You're not as superior as you think you are Itachi un."

Itachi rolled his eyes, turning around and shoving his ice cream down the blonde's pants before beginning to walk away. "I could say the same for you Deidara."

Deidara's face flushed a deep red in anger, trying to get the cone out of his boxers with one hand while molding a large clay bird with the other. "Damn you bastard! Take this!" The bird went zooming into the Uchiha's back. "Katsu!"

Itachi face-planted wonderfully with the wall.

The walls had to be fixed…again. And they had to hunt for their food out in the woods for the next few weeks while their kitchen got renovated.

Itachi and Deidara were 'civil' until the problem of bathroom rights came up.

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><p>Hidan vs. Kakuzu<p>

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><p>"Hidan…where is my money?"<p>

"Why the fuck would I know?"

"Because you're the one who used it as goddamn toilet paper last time."

"…Oh yeah. Well- I don't have it this fucking time."

"Yeah right- cough it up."

"I don't have it you dumbass!"

"I know you do!"

"Stop accusing me you old gas bag!"

"What did you call me?"

"Are you going deaf now too?" Hidan scoffed from where he sat on his bed, polishing his scythe. "Why the hell is your money so important to you anyway?"

Kakuzu scowled at him from beneath his mask, crossing his arms. "I'll have you know that _my _money is very necessary to me."

Hidan rolled his eyes. "Needing money so you can bathe in it and play fucking dress up like a pansy is _not _necessary you dumbfuck."

Kakuzu felt a vein pop. "Excuse me?"

Twenty minutes later Hidan's body parts were found carefully chopped with Konan's new kitchen knife and the entire base smothered in blood.

All the hallways and floors had to be replaced, and all the members were stuck camping out in the backyard until the stench of blood left the base two months later.

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><p>Konan vs. Zetsu<p>

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><p>"Hey Konan- is that our freshly budded rose in your hair?"<p>

"It is. Do you like it?"

"Um…we were kind of saving that rose for something…"

"Oh. Sorry."

"It's okay-" **"No it's **_**not **_**okay! Who the hell do you think you are?"**

"Pardon?"

"**I said it's not okay!"**

"It's just a rose Zetsu. You can always plant more."

"**It's not as easy as you make it seem."**

"Yes it is. You just dig a hole, throw some seeds in it, and water. It's not that hard you over-exaggerating plant!"

"That's not really how you plant good flowers…" **"No wonder all your pets and flowers died you tree-killing hypocrite made of paper!"**

"For Kami's sake- it's just a stupid rose!"

"**I don't see **_**you **_**out here tending to this garden! What gives you the right to take from it?" **"Um-"

"I think I should be allowed to take whatever I want from the _Akatsuki's _flower garden!" Konan shouted.

"**You want flowers- you plant them yourself bitch!" **Black Zetsu shouted back.

The rest of the members ran out the front of the base to see the garden on fire and Konan spraying Zetsu with weed killer.

Kakuzu had to pay a hefty amount of money for medical treatment and to have lawn repair come plant grass seeds for their now charred and barren garden.

Konan and Zetsu avoided each other for a month.

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><p>Deidara vs. Tobi<p>

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><p>"Sempai~"<p>

"What do you want Tobi un?"

"Can Tobi have a hug?"

"Do you _want _me to punch your face in?"

"Waah! Tobi was just lonely! Sempai doesn't have to be so mean!"

"Just go away hmm. I'm busy here."

"Doing what?"

"I'm making a sculpture you idiot! What else does it look like?" Deidara looked over his shoulder at the masked nin standing behind him.

Tobi thoughtfully placed a finger to the bottom of his masked. "It sort of looks like those animal droppings Tobi saw out in the woods today. Is that what it is?"

Deidara felt his brow twitched uncontrollably, a smile forcing its way across his way. "They're _butterflies _Tobi un."

"…Still in their caccoons?"

A vein popped.

"Sempai?"

"JUST DIE ALREADY!" Deidara yelled, throwing the clay at him in fury. "KATSU!"

Tobi had to go into hiding until his mask was fixed, Deidara's bedroom combusted, and he was stuck sleeping on the couch.

Kakuzu was pissed they had to waste money on fixing up yet another room and Tobi never commented on his sempai's art ever again.

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><p>Hidan vs. Konan<p>

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><p>"Whoa bitch! Do you mind walking around with some pants on!"<p>

"Put on a shirt first and then complain to me."

"I don't need a goddamn shirt. I'm fucking sexy!"

"According to who? Your mirror?"

"Alright _asshole_. I don't know _who _pissed in your Cheerios this morning, because it wasn't me this fuckin' time, but I think you need to calm down."

Konan waved the middle finger at him, sauntering past. "Shove off."

Hidan scoffed, turning away. "Whatever thunder thighs."

Konan froze, slowly looking over her shoulder with a popped vein. "You wanna say that again? At least I don't have a chest like King Kong!"

"At least I _have _a chest bitch!"

Pein was left to deal with an insecure and pissed Konan while Kakuzu proceeded to chop Hidan up into tiny bits once more and scatter him throughout the base.

The members were once again left outside to live for three weeks.

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><p>Konan vs. Sasori<p>

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><p>"What…are you doing in here?"<p>

"Cooking dinner. What does it look like Sasori?"

"You can't cook."

"Um- yes I can, jerk."

"No you can't. You fed us burnt strips of paper and called it chicken fingers!"

"Well they were chicken when they started out!"

"Just step away from the stove and let a _real _man do the cooking."

"You can't cook either Sasori."

"I'm not the one who tried to fry Shredded Wheat and call it 'healthy hamburgers'."

Konan narrowed her eyes, whirling around to bash the redhead in the face with her cooking skillet. "Shut up!"

Sasori growled. "You're lucky I don't believe in fighting women who can't defend themselves."

Konan drop-kicked him. "OH REALLY NOW?"

The stove was left on, causing the members to hunt outside like cavemen and deal without the wonders of a microwave and oven yet again.

Kakuzu was practically bankrupt now.

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><p>Itachi vs. Kisame<p>

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><p>"Hey Itachi…"<p>

"What do you need Kisame?"

"Could we stop here for the night? My feet are tired and we're not going to get back to the hideout until tomorrow afternoon."

"No."

"What! Why not?"

"Because there's an Inn up ahead we can stay at instead."

"That _Inn _of yours is over three hours away. Let's just rest here!"

"I already said no."

"Hey- who wears the pants around here? I'm the oldest."

"And I'm stronger."

"…"

"…"

"No you're not."

"Yes…I am."

"No you're not!"

"Yes I _am_."

Kisame huffed, looking away as they trudged through the forest. "That's only because of your stupid doujutsu. If it was one-on-one, I'd beat you to a pulp."

Itachi softly snorted, walking a little bit ahead. "You'd be too slow."

"What was that?" Kisame felt an eye twitch. "You're just weak Itachi."

"Is that so…?" Itachi turned around, already forming hand seals.

Kisame narrowed his eyes, also creating hand seals. "Yeah! And I'll prove it!"

"Fire Style: Grand Fireball no Jutsu!"

"Water Style: Waterfall no Jutsu!"

The forest was destroyed and the Akatsuki was left to replant all the dead trees and bushes.

Kisame and Itachi stopped working together for two months.

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><p>Deidara vs. Hidan<p>

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><p>"Hey hot stuff."<p>

"I'm a guy un."

"No you're not! You're too cute to be a bitch like Konan!"

"I'm going to ignore you un because one: I really like Konan. And two: I'm a frickin' _guy_."

"You can't lie to me Deidara-chan."

"I'm not lying."

"Yes you fucking are. I saw you in the women's baths at the hotel last year!"

"Hidan. You dumbass. They wouldn't let me in with you guys because they were just as stupid and thought I was a girl hmm."

"Don't be like that Dei-chan," Hidan put a hand on the blonde's shoulder to stop him from walking away.

Deidara warningly glared at him. "Back off."

Hidan smirked. "I like 'em feisty."

Deidara's eye twitched. "HANDS OFF MAN-WHORE!"

Yeah… the base had to undergo repairs.

Kakuzu refused to pay and made the other members rob the local banks so they could afford the bill.

They weren't very happy campers.

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><p>Kakuzu vs. Everyone Else<p>

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><p>"Give us our paycheck you fucking miser!"<p>

"Never! You idiots will spend it all on useless crap!"

"No we won't un! And we have the right to do what we want with our money!"

"No you don't! I'm the financial advisor around here so deal with it!"

"I want my dango."

"Sameheda needs new bandages."

"I'm almost out of construction paper!"

"Hiruko needs more wood polish."

"Tobi wants his money _now_!"

"We need to buy more seeds." **"So cough up the dough bitch."**

"I think not!" Kakuzu shouted.

After that, everyone just sort of lunged at the medic nin at once.

Kakuzu lost his money.

All the paychecks went to pay for the damage done to the base because of used jutsus and wildly swung giant swords and scythes.

And they were officially bankrupt.

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><p>Of course there were times when his members decided to gang up on him as well. But after all the anger had simmered down, Pein liked to enter the living room or kitchen and see his fellow comrades getting along.<p>

At least until they fought over what to eat or what movie to watch.

But he was fine with that too.

Because after all, as unhealthy and dangerous as it might be, isn't bickering what a family does?

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><p><strong>AN: Too many line breaks :P **

**I wonder if it was good... **

**^v6**


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